So it Started
by Terrasa
Summary: *Complete* Semi sort of a Christmas fic... Heero POV. 1+2 Yaoi. During the war Heero has a hard time understanding some things. Part three of three is up!
1. Part One

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters .

Warnings: Angst, Yaoi, twt

Pairings: 2+1

Notes: I took a short break from my other fic to write this… it is going to be three parts total, pretty short, 'somewhat' of a Christmas fic. 

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So it Started 

Part One

It began as a light kiss on the cheek, on the day that meant so much to Duo. Christmas, always had him excited, or so he said. Maybe it was because he didn't get to actually enjoy and celebrate it that often. Being in the war, fighting all the time, one loses many opportunities like sitting down with a warm cup of eggnog. Truthfully, I never liked the drink, Duo had me try it once, saying it would cheer me up for sure. I had really wanted to spit it out, the creamy taste was just too… different. But, I drank the cup he had poured, stated that I liked it. I lied to him, only so he would not get disappointed in me… only so I could see his smile. 

Back then, I hadn't realized what I was doing, I hadn't realized just how much Duo meant to me. And I didn't figure it out for a long while after… after the certain events that had me in more emotional pain then I had ever been… and it all started with a simple kiss.

I had just gotten out of the shower. All the holiday 'cheer' Duo made us go through that day took a toll on my body. I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, after my nice warm shower. Little did I know that I wouldn't get any sleep that night, and for good reason. 

"Heeeeero?" Duo's head popped in through my bedroom door, big grin set on his face as he took in my glare. It never did have the effect it was suppose to, Duo never even batted and eye at my cold expressions. He let himself in, not waiting for my consent, like usual. I just sat in my desk chair, towel rubbing lightly on my damp hair, eyes looking to him in question. 

He didn't say anything as he walked to stand before me. That should have told me something was up, right away. But, my brain was too tired to notice anything off about his behavior. I didn't even think that his big grin, awkward silence, meant anything. I blame it on the eggnog. And the presents… I had gotten four, more so than I had ever gotten in one sitting. Relena had, of course, been apart of my holiday 'cheer', as Duo liked to call it. She had sent me a couple sweaters… I still could not understand why. Was she trying to tell me that my tank tops were no good? I also got some random useful items from Trowa, Quatre and Wufei. Things that were much more useful than the sweaters Relena had made me. Maybe I didn't think they were going to be useful… because she had somehow decided I needed to wear yellow. Or maybe she was just trying to get me to match, seeing as I wasn't in a hurry to ditch my comfortable yellow sneakers any time soon. 

The only person I had not received anything from was Duo. That had me a little disappointed… well, I hadn't really gotten him anything either, but he was the one who had been making such a fuss over this whole holiday thing in the first place. Making sure we had a tree, even if it was only three feet tall, and held only a dozen or so lights. Anything bigger than that would draw attention, at least that is what I told him when he set his mind on getting the damn thing. Truthfully, I could not stand the smell they gave off, I don't know why… maybe it was because it was familiar… a familiar smell and it scared me. Something of my past that I did not want to be brought back to the surface… something about my childhood, the parts so easily forgotten, because they lacked importance.

Duo was now standing, poised over me, the grin slowly faded from his face as he stared at me. I did nothing, but looked at him with the same emotionless expression I had always used. I waited, wondering what he was planning to say… but I was wrong on that thought, he didn't want to say anything… he had something else in mind for me.

I froze up as he leaned forward. I would have jumped up, slamming my gun into his face, if I had the time. I had to admit, he was quick to do what he came for, leaving with an even quicker, "Goodnight."

My eyes widened when my mind finally processed what had happened. I couldn't stop the hand that came up to touch the spot on my cheek, the spot his lips had brushed across for a tenth of a second. I was puzzled… I was confused… did Duo just kiss me?

That night was restless for me, I still did not understand why Duo would do something like that. Was it his present to me? A kiss for Christmas? I had mulled over the idea that maybe Duo had put mistletoe in my room. I had only recently learned of that odd tradition, but there was no mistletoe, there was no reason for his actions, and therefore I was left with no answer and even less sleep.

The next morning had me staring at Duo, watching his every move. 

He showed nothing.

No signs of anything bothering him, no signs of uncomfortable ness, the very feeling I was trying so hard to hide. His smile was the same, his laugh was the same, he joked like himself, but… he barely looked at me. Usually he would direct his jokes towards me, talk mostly to me even though I wouldn't respond half the time, and if I did respond it was only to tell him he was an idiot. Today, everything was directed towards Wufei… and I felt… strange. I could not describe the feeling… but I know I did not like it… I know I wanted it gone. 

Night came, too quickly. I wanted to watch Duo some more, maybe then be able to analyze him, figure out what that kiss had meant. It was driving me mad… as that thought hit me… I knew I had to stop this… I had to stop whatever it was swirling inside of me.

Duo didn't mean anything by it… if he had, he would have told me. It was nothing more than a kiss… nothing more than a comfort. I lied to myself that night, I believed myself too, even when Duo came in, me sitting in my chair, in the same spot. I even believed my lie, that Duo didn't mean anything by his actions, when he kissed me a second time, this time on my other cheek.

I slept much better that night… forcing the feelings inside away.

Weeks went by, every night Duo would come in, kissing me on the cheek and giving a whispered "Goodnight." After the first couple of times I tried to stop him, tried to avoid him as much as possible. He was a more clever person than I gave him credit for though, and I soon gave up my hopeless battle with him. I never said anything in response, I never asked him why he did what he was doing. I never thought much about it after it became a normal routine. That is, until things took for a little change. 

It was at the end of January, the war was getting pretty tense, people were dying way too much lately, it seemed. Everyone of us pilots seemed to be depressed one time or another. Duo, had seemed to decided that today was 'his' day to give into the depression. He had slumped into my room that night, and I was waiting for him. I had grown accustomed to it, memorized the time he usually came in, so as to do something resembling 'greeting him' at the door. Even if the greeting was only done silently. 

His eyes were not as cheerful, which… I admit, bothered me. 

I was sitting at my desk chair, only it was not the same chair, since we rarely stayed at a safe house for very long. He walked over, and I prepared myself for his soft lips pressing on my cheek… I waited… there was nothing. I think he saw the confusion swirling inside off me, because he smiled, gently, hand coming up to touch my chin. I could clearly say that I was shocked when he leaned down, not aiming for the side of my face, but for a new spot. His warm lips brushed mine quickly, before pulling away.

"Good night." 

I sat in my chair for what seemed like most of the night. Thinking… trying to figure out what it was 'now' that Duo was thinking. My little lie was crushed, I could no longer tell myself that Duo was kissing me for no reason… but I couldn't tell myself the real reason either. Though, I knew what it was… but it took me a long time to actually admit it. I have never been good with my feelings, never been one to understand the actions of others. And that itself, was my major flaw in life.

It came to the point, months later, that I started to feel a need growing inside of me… something like my control being twisted, something was shaping my will. I had trouble sleeping if Duo did not come in to set me to bed. When he was off on a mission, leaving me alone… I found I missed him… and it frightened me, made me mad that I was losing so much control… but I would not dwell on those feelings. Like all the other things… I set them aside… for another day, to analyze… maybe when I was stronger. 

The one thing that kept me going was my new lie… I lied to myself once again. Without a reason, I would go crazy, so instead of asking Duo for it, I made it up myself. It's funny how I could actually get myself to really believe it… no matter how absurd it was… I believed that Duo needed those small kisses at night, the comfort… I told myself that he did it for the better of the mission, for a better mind set of some sorts. Pathetic, really. In actuality… I was starting to need him more than he ever needed me at the time.

I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, Duo would not be back from his mission until tomorrow. That left me to think over the memories of the previous nights. Somehow, I had noticed that Duo seemed to stay longer and longer… his lips, which at first pulled back right away, quickly as not to anger me, seemed to stick around… a little bit longer each time. And I did not complain… I actually enjoyed it… the calmness it provided. 

But… I know this wasn't suppose to happen… something inside of me kept scolding me for being weak… for giving in to Duo's silent demands. For ignoring the problem.

He came back late the next night, I heard him as he drug his weight into his room… he did not come to see me. That told me just how exhausted he must have been… just how tiring his mission probably was. For some reason, my feet seemed to carry me out of my room, quietly into his. The door closed softly behind me and he did not even move from where he lay. His hand was resting lightly over his forehead, his body, illuminated by the small amount of light coming from the window, was leaning half on the bed, knees bent where the edge were.

I moved quietly towards him. Still he did not notice me, he didn't, until I placed my hand around his ankle, intent on taking off his shoes for him. His head snapped up quickly then, in fright, before violet eyes widened when realizing that it was me. He never took his stunned eyes off of me as I slowly unlaced his boots, sliding them off to fall to the floor below. His head fell back against the soft mattress when I finished, obviously too tired to keep it raised any further. It must have taken all of his reserved energy just to make it up the stairs to his room. 

I silently walked over, kneeling beside the bed, where I could be in a better position to help him undress. It was rather difficult getting that priest garb thing he insists on wearing off of him. It was like trying to undress a dead man, a heavy dead man. Knowing he wouldn't appreciate me taking off his pants for him, I stopped there with the undressing. My eyes scanned his bare chest, taking in the curves, mind reminding myself that I was only looking for injuries. Of course, I just needed an excuse, any one would do.

Pulling back the covers just enough to get him under, I then picked his limp body up off the bed… it almost reminded me of a child… he seemed weak… though I knew that he was just the opposite. But it was fascinating… being able to see this side of him, the side he rarely ever shows.

I stood above him for a good long while after he was nicely tucked in. Maybe I was waiting for his eyes to close, or something that would tell me I should leave. But, his big eyes just sleepily looked up to me, as if waiting for something, also. I couldn't stop myself as I bent down, kissing him softly on the lips. The first time I had done so… the first time I had returned the favor. His eyes fluttered closed as I pulled away, a soft sigh escaping his now slightly parted lips.

"Good night." I said, surprising myself slightly. And then I left, back to my room… where sleep welcomed me a little too easily.

I thought I was done with the surprises. Nothing was new, nothing seemed to change for a long time after that. My insomnia was bad when I was away on a mission, but the only thing that kept me going was the thought that it would not last, I would sleep fine once back home… If a safe house does much for the 'home' factor. The surprises didn't end though, and I was starting to tear up inside, my mind not being able to deny the frightening thoughts any longer. 

Duo… had come in again one night. I was waiting for him like usual… my normal place, sitting on my desk chair. My laptop had been closed long ago, mission reports finished a little too quickly. He was smiling a little wider than normal, and with Duo, it meant he was up to something. His lips descended on mine, eyes fluttering closed… I remember thinking 'this is nice…' before I noticed Duo's mouth, opening ever so slightly, tongue shooting out to flick against my bottom lip. 

I sat there, wide eyed, long after he left.

Why did he continue to do this to me?

Why does he constantly make me suffer with his actions? My mind went crazy thinking up what lie I should tell myself _now_. There was nothing… so I pushed it aside… waiting for something to come and put all my shattered emotions back together again. Something to tell me just what the hell was going on. 

I glared angrily at Duo as he entered my room the next night. I was pissed, I was mad at him for doing this to me. He didn't seemed fazed at all, and instead walked up to me with his usual smirk. I should have pushed him away… but I couldn't… I was really turning weak when it came to him. 

Damnit!

His lips pressed, harder than normal against mine, making me feel light in the head, a weird sensation that wasn't altogether unpleasant. Lips parted softly as his tongue swiped across my lip once again. I couldn't hold in the gasp that escaped… the exhaled breath causing my mouth to part… just as he had wanted. I couldn't remember much of what happened as his tongue thrust into my mouth, skillfully tangling with my own. It was like I had shut down, mind gone numb. My breathing came out as fast pants as he finally pulled away, leaving me with my eyes closed, leaning heavily back in my chair, not planning on getting up for a good long while. 

Everyday he seemed to make me feel more and more out of control, it got to the point where I started to hide again… forcing myself to leave my room before he would come in, in search of me. I couldn't sleep… but I would rather not sleep than lose myself to him. 

There was no more lies to tell myself… I had no more conclusions to why he was doing this to me. The answer was simple, just ask… ask him, Duo, why he was doing this to me… why he was making me feel like… like I couldn't breath sometimes… like I would collapse inside of my head if I even so much as recalled what had been happening. The strange sensation that is killing me… or killing something inside of me… I do not know what it is… I do not know why I am… frightened… to ask for answers. Being independent for so long has shaped me into being hard, cold, a person whom does not ask for help, I find answers on my own.

I avoided Duo for a week… I slept barely an hour at a time. I went out to battle with a heavy head, eyes drooping with lack of rest… I could have died because of my shortened control. I needed to stop this. I needed to stop being dependant on a simple comfort to get me to sleep… I needed to get back to who I used to be. I needed to get away from Duo, for good.

I came home, after all the killing I had done that day… praying that I would find sleep. Instead, I found Duo… sitting on the couch, eyes glued to me. He looked… tired… depressed… something I had never seen from him.

"Heero." He said, smile coming across his lips. I could tell it was forced, did not come nearly as high as it should have. "The mission went well?" He asked, eyes scanning over my body, maybe in search of injuries. All I had were some bruises, nothing he could see because of my clothing. 

I ignored his question, he should know by now that I will never fail my missions. I don't know what would happen if I had failed today. Months ago, I would have just made up for a failure, figured out some way to get revenge… but with my current mind set… I might have just died, calling myself weak, giving up. The mask was slipping… I was starting to realize something… something… but what was it?

Feelings?

Emotions?

What do those _really _mean? They are just words… words I know well… but do I actually know their true meaning? I understand the basics of what they are suppose to represent, I know that there are certain things required in order to actually feel those… emotions… _truly _understand those feelings… have them, acknowledge them. 

I was starting to comprehend… little by little I was seeing what Duo was showing me… why he was doing what he was, acting like he was. But, my mind could not be made up, I would not let him take me… and therefore I pushed him away… further and further… even though I saw how much I was hurting him. I made him depressed… if only for a short while. 

He seemed to get over my avoidance within a weeks time, maybe it was because he knew he had a job to do… we were in the middle of a war. There was no time for feeling sorry for yourself.

A month. A whole month went by without me seeing Duo. I heard his voice plenty of times over the com links… heard his maniac laughter as he killed. I understood why he sounded so crazy in battle, we all did, anything to get by, anything to block out the thoughts of what we were doing. Killing… we were taking away thousands of lives each day. And what for? For peace. Such a crazy thing… killing for peace is. Horrible… it was… but I didn't complain, I was ordered to do it… that was my sanity. Dr. J told me to. It's like taking the blame away from me, for as long as I could, and placing it on him. It helped me. This is what soldiers do… they may be able to kill, because they are ordered to, they are told that it is the right thing to do. They are able to keep their heads in battle knowing that… it was not entirely there fault… sure, they held the weapon, they took away the life. But it was only because someone else wished it so.

Pathetic. Once again, looking back I find my former war self to be so hopelessly pathetic. To believe that… to _actually_ believe all those lies I fed myself, it was weak. I know, it was the only way for me to have not gone ballistic… especially after I had witnessed the death of innocents at my hand… but it was also horrible… knowing that there was no other way, no other one thing I could tell myself to make it all better. To make me feel alright with the killings. 

Duo had been next to me in battle, but he did not stay at the same safe house. It was getting hectic, plans were being made, changed… almost to the point of me going mad. The enemy, trying to outsmart us numerous times, us Gundam pilots having to put up with and fight back to not lose ground. A whole month of that before I saw Duo again. I had gotten better… was finally able to sleep normally again… without expecting him to come in with his 'goodnight'. 

But he came back… the first time he stayed with us in a month… he came into my room, eyes downcast slightly… he seemed afraid. He had acted so normal at the dinner table, talking, joking with Quatre like usual… but here he was now, looking depressed again. Had he been this way the whole time? 

Violet eyes rose to where they were positioned on the floor, he looked up to me, eyes seeming a little moister than usual. My breath caught in my throat… as I watched him come up to me. I didn't move, I couldn't move. My mind screamed at me, telling me that if I let him in again he would destroy me… but… I couldn't come to care anymore. And the funny thing was, he leaned down… lips pressed lightly to my cheek… a soft kiss before he said, 

"Goodnight Heero."

It was like the first time… only different. He was starting again, all over again. The same process that started only seven months ago. And why was I letting him? Why was he doing that? I felt more confused than I had ever in my short lived life… I have never felt this… helpless. Someone needed to tell me what was going on… I couldn't figure it out on my own anymore… _some things I just couldn't do._

In admitting that… I had unconsciously gone over the first step.

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TBC.

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Hope you liked, the second part will be up shortly.

Thanks to Scorn Silverstar, for helping me! ^.^


	2. Part Two

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters .

Warnings: Angst, Yaoi, twt… self hatred? But of course! 

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4

Notes: Here starts the lovely, angst part two. Enjoy!

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So it Started 

Part two

All the next day, my mind was occupied with thoughts of Duo. Well, I can not seriously say that it was a new thing for me. My mind had decided long ago that Duo was a wonderful subject to think about, and no matter how much I tried, those annoying thoughts were stuck inside, wouldn't leave. He seemed cheerful, but still not as happy as he was when I wasn't being so cold to him. When I wasn't glaring at his every glance. I felt that if I were to act so cruel to him then he would leave… then he would stop this tormenting. But he never did, it never worked, which left me with even more confusion. Did he actually need me… maybe feeling the same thing inside of himself that I was… hurting… throbbing… frightened feelings of what was happening?

That night, as he entered my room, around the same time as usual, I was waiting for him. Not that that was anything new, I had always waited for him to come in, but tonight… was not the same. I knew what I wanted… I knew what I should do to calm myself… to stop the painful feelings. I was hesitant… I know I was… I didn't really want to lose control like I knew I would. But… I needed this… the pull was too strong for me to resist any longer. 

The door slammed shut behind him, I could see he was startled that I had pushed him, hard, against the wooden surface. My eyes bore into him for a second, trying to read him, silently asking the thousand questions running through my brain. I managed only a whisper.

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"Why?" 

I leaned forward, taking in his smell as I did so… the sweet scent that made my stomach flutter. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him, deeper than we had before… hands clamping down on his wrists… as if afraid he was going to leave me. 

His eyes were closed tight as I pulled away, head leaning down, breath tickling my neck. 

He was beautiful… 

How had I not noticed before?

His longs chestnut hair, bright eyes, muscular frame… his voice… all of them I seemed to just notice now. Like I hadn't seen them everyday, like I've never looked at them until now. I was falling… falling into my feelings… the unknown. I don't think I would ever again be able to break free from them, ever again be able to go back to how things were.

Would I really want to go back?

I did not know the answer… I could not think of it all that long night, as I lay in my bed, alone, mind wandering to Duo. I was falling… and I was lost. 

I had never been frightened before meeting Duo. Why… why couldn't I stop? Why is he making me feel this way… _falling… falling… falling… I can't get up again._

Some things seem so right… like they are too perfect. I believed that it would last, the moments I treasured with Duo. I thought it would never change… thought he would never leave me. We hadn't done anything… more than kiss. I barely even talked to him, mainly listened to his never ending jabber. I hadn't really known what more there was. I might have done anything for Duo, at the time… I would have given him anything were he to only ask. 

I found myself actually thinking that I did not want to die, for the first time… thinking that if I did die, I would not get to see Duo's smile again. My missions turned into a game, one in which I had to complete as fast as I could, so in order to get home to him… waiting for me… waiting to kiss me goodnight… to fill me with the calmness I found I liked very much. 

He never acted, or showed, to the others that anything was going on between us. But I was naïve then, I didn't even really understand what 'was' between us. I thought that _maybe _this was as far as it would ever go… forever… just him kissing me goodnight. Him, wrapped comfortably in my arms before leaving, to go off on his own. 

I needed it to last.

But… the perfect shattered quickly into something I had feared… without even knowing at first what it meant.

I was walking to my room, just got done cleaning the dishes after dinner. Duo had gone on ahead of everyone, saying he was tired. His bedroom door was partly opened as I walked by. I would have ignored it if I had not heard the voices coming from inside, the hushed whispering that peaked my curiosity. My former self would have ignored it, but now, having newly discovered the curious side to myself, I peeked in to see who Duo was talking to. 

What I saw… tore me. What I saw… was Duo and Trowa. Nothing was abnormal about them talking to each other, that is… until Duo leaned in, kissing the tall boy on his cheek, pulling away with a whisper of something I could only guess what it could have been.

I broke.

I bled… not outwardly… but inside… something snapped… I didn't even understand what this reaction was. 

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Jealousy? Betrayal? Hate? Fear?

The need to run grew too much, I found myself wanting to escape more than anything… _run away_… so I did.

A week was spent in the hanger, a week sleeping in my Wing, my Gundam. I didn't eat, the times I did fall asleep were filled with Duo… nightmares. They were not scary, they were not filled with his death or any other image that one would picture a nightmare to contain. They were just of him… they were of my memories… and I hated them. I would wake up, shivering from the cold nights air, eyes stinging slightly, as if I wanted to… cry? Shed the unknown tears? The picture of Duo kissing Trowa… I wanted more than anything to forget. I wanted to bury it with all my other painful emotions. I wanted them to leave… go and hide where they had been stored most of my life. 

They would not leave!

I could not get rid of them once their lid had been finally opened. Could never go back to how I was, simple minded. Nothing would make me feel better… this pain… this… envy? For what could have been. It was never going to leave.

Time… was _not _something I had considered. I did not know that time would heal, I did not think that I would ever get well… even though it is suppose to be common knowledge. Like being wounded in battle, the scars will only disappear over long years. The human mind is too strong to just give up, to just shut down and take the pain. So it heals, the slow process of forgetting that incident of pain. But right then, I seriously felt like I would never get better, that I would be trapped in this hell forever… never to escape. 

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I wanted to die… I wanted to cut my heart out, the thing that was throbbing most. Maybe that was the first time I realized how much Duo had meant to me… how much I had _needed _him.

My week was up, I knew I needed food. No matter how much I wanted to just sit there, not moving, and waste away, the soldier in my brain kept scolding me, and would not let me have my one wish. I walked up the dirt road, thin, weak… I bet I looked awful. I prayed no one would see me until I at least took a shower, maybe had something to eat. Of course, that prayer wasn't answered. 

As I entered the door, the first thing I saw was Duo, sitting on the steps, as if waiting for me to enter. His violet eyes were wide as he took in my appearance. My head turned, quickly away in the other direction, not wanting to look at him… too afraid of what would happen if I did. I just pushed my way past him, ignoring the prying eyes.

"Heero…" He called after, following me to my room. I didn't need this… I didn't need to see him… I couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of it, sick of _this_. My stomach twisted in pain… wanting to puke. But there was nothing to throw up. Dry heaving wouldn't be a good feeling, so I took a deep breath, getting my mind far from the nauseated feeling as possible.

"Are… Heero? Are you alright?" The door closed lightly behind him. I just stood in the middle of the room, back facing him as he questioned me… with such worry lining his voice. 

Was he really that concerned? Or was it just a mask, another one he put on to fool me. The joker playing another trick. Well, I was feeling really cruel as well at that moment. So I spit out the first angry words that I could think of, "Like you would care." They were suppose to make him leave, they weren't suppose to make me feel even sicker, head filling with such pain. 

"Heero… of course I care…" 

"Just leave _me _alone!" I yelled. "Why don't you just go kiss _Trowa_ goodnight instead. I don't want a part of this any longer!" That shocked me. That shocked _him_. I could tell by the gasp that escaped his lips. My head spun around, eyes boring into him angrily. His thin hand was covering his mouth, his other one desperately searching for the handle of the door. Violet eyes… wide… was he scared?

He fled.

And I broke a little more inside.

I was expecting him to deny it. I was hoping that he would explain.

I got nothing.

He didn't even deny… _he didn't_…

No comfort… only more pain… _I hated this… I hated it_… I hated myself.

Mornings… always were suppose to be better. The start of a new day, start of a new beginning sort of thing. I didn't feel all that fresh, I was feeling ill, feeling like I would hurl any second. The reason was probably because of my lack of sleep, my lack of appetite. No one asked me why I looked so… horrible. My eyes had dark rings under them, my clothes were wrinkled, showing how little I seemed to care about my appearance. Everyone did seem to be staring at me though, Quatre especially worried. He must have been sensing something with that annoying talent of his. I think they were too afraid to brooch a forbidden subject though, because no one asked questions, else I might have snapped at them like an angry dog. 

Duo… hadn't come downstairs. Making them worry. Wufei, surprisingly, had been the one to go and check on him, only coming back to tell us that it was because he wasn't feeling good. 

Was Duo lying to them? Lying like he had to me. All those times… I had thought I was… I had thought I meant something to him. Thought that he needed me, as much as I needed him. But those were only _my_ lies… the ones put in place to keep me from questioning myself.

He'd never need me… not when he had Trowa. I wondered who else he had dragged into his little game… who else he had fooled. 

I couldn't bring myself to look at Trowa, sitting across from me, nor anyone… I couldn't even bring myself to finish my breakfast. I left the kitchen table with a greater pained heart than I had felt this morning. 

The pieces were falling… I was almost completely gone. 

Three day… two hours and fourteen minutes, since the time I had last seen Duo, he entered my room. Eyes sunken in, red, like he had been crying. But something inside my head told me there was no way he would ever cry for me… it was only his ploy to get my forgiveness. Red eyes could easily be obtained by constant rubbing. I wasn't going to play into his game again. That is why I sent him out, barely listening to his please, begging me to speak to him. 

He came back every night… every night to say the same thing, to break me a little bit more.

"Heero… please listen to me!" His arms were wrapped around my shoulders, head buried into my back as I stood away from him. I said nothing, like I was ignoring him. 

"It didn't mean anything… it… it didn't. Please, please stop… I swear it didn't… Trowa was just… he was just…"

"Just what?" I was surprised at myself for spitting those angry words out. I hadn't spoken to him in days. Hadn't voiced any of the questions in my mind, the answers that I desperately wanted. 

Duo seemed to stiffen before he pulled away, eyes miserable, lip sucked in slightly as he tried to think of a response. I didn't feel sorry for him… or maybe I did… but the anger inside of me, the anger towards Trowa seemed to block out all other emotions for the moment. I liked that, I wanted to become even more… raged, maybe then would I be able to be the soldier, the cold soldier, once again.

"I can't… I can not tell you…" He whispered.

I pushed him out of my room quickly after that. He just looked at me before I close the door in front of him, violet eyes sliding shut, his head shaking back and forth sadly… or was it disappointment showing on his features? A soft click sounded as I locked the door, intending to keep it like that so he would not be able to enter tomorrow… or the next day. Never again… if this is the consequence for believing in something, someone… then I don't ever want to trust again. People are cruel… people will only break you up inside, tear you apart…

I remember thinking, somewhere in my mind, some voice shouting in my head… _calling me the fool._

I didn't _care _anymore… I don't know why I ever did. Duo could do what he wants. I have no control, had no control over him… in the first place.

He can go to Trowa… I won't care anymore… _I will not. I do not_.

Once again, I lied to myself. For lying always helped. Lying always fixed me up… if only for a short while. 

That night I closed my eyes. 

That night I closed my mind. 

If I could not go back to how I used to be, then I would become what I never was.

I sat crossed legged on the floor, something I had watched Wufei do in his spare time. Something like meditating… but this was far different. I let my mind wander, I became nothing… I wanted to be blank, like a empty canvas, like new. I started to forget… I willed away my pain, my happiness, everything must go. My emotions swirled in my mind, clearly for me to feel, see, almost taste. I pushed them away. I would not deal with them again. Lock them in that room in my mind, throw away the key. Never again… I would never feel again.

I did not get mad when Trowa came to talk to me that next night. I did not hurt inside as I listened to him. Nor did I feel relived with what he told me. I was nothing, an emotionless doll forever more. Nothing could ever hurt me again. 

I barely listened to Trowa as he told me about their mission, the one he recently had with Duo, the one which had kept them away for a week. I tried to shut out the sound of him telling me how things went bad, they got caught, got beat daily. Trowa confessed to me, and said that Duo meant a lot to him, he cared for him greatly. After hard times you become closer to people, he had said, after horrible memories you begin to learn more, see more in others.

I did not understand. I did not want to understand.

He apparently told Duo a secret of his, and only to me now… since Duo had requested. The secrets about his feelings for a certain individual. But not Duo. Trowa told me all of this, seriously looking at my blank, emotionless mask. 

Somehow… over that months missions, Trowa had fallen for Quatre. The very same blond boy, probably sitting downstairs right now with his usual cup of coffee. 

I should have been surprised, shocked, but I wasn't. I did not care, there was nothing left inside of me. There were no emotions like those. 

That night, the night I had looked into Duo's room to see him kiss Trowa, lightly on the cheek, was the night he went to confess to Quatre. Duo was only trying to comfort him… somehow… with that kiss. 

It was nothing more. 

That was the truth. I knew Trowa wasn't lying to me when telling me all of this. It must have been a hit to his pride to confess all of it to me, knowing that he was giving away something secretive about himself, about his feelings.

But I wouldn't realize the full meaning behind his actions until later. A long while later. For I had never had a friend, one that would help you out like Trowa had just done for Duo. One who would comfort you, give you confidence in your decisions like Duo had done.

Trowa sat silently in front of me for a few minutes after his speech. I think he expected me to say something. To respond? But I still did not feel. Even after all of those… words… they were just words, weren't they? The relief that was suppose to come… it did not… the relief that he had expected to take over inside of me, must have been a disappointment. Trowa left me that night, calling me a fool, for acting that way towards Duo.

'What way?' I had asked myself. For there was only one _way _now… the painless one. The path I had chosen. 

__

I was a fool.

I told Trowa I did not care. I told him that he and Duo could do whatever they wanted, with my blessings and the works. _Stupid, really_.

I lied… again. When I said that Duo meant nothing to me. At the time, it did not seem like a lie though. At that time, I was already too far gone, emotions too far buried. 

Maybe… there was still a little bit left… maybe… a small amount still remembering my earlier self. Because that night, I decided to go to Duo, one last time. 

I walked into Duo's dark room, to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, looking up to me with disbelief. He seemed shocked, in a good way. I should have been thrilled… but I wasn't, there was nothing like that left within me. 

"Heero?" He whispered, like he didn't believe it was really me. I didn't say anything as I gathered him up in my arms. I would give him this, I would let him have this last night.

Like I said before, I must not have been as gone as I thought I was, because I actually smiled as he snuggled into me under the covers. Holding onto my shirt tightly. His body started to shudder, maybe in happiness, maybe with sadness, relief? I wouldn't be able to tell you. It could have just been cold. 

Mumbled words came out into my shirt, to deformed to catch. And after a moments time I heard the soft,

"Heero… oh gods Heero…" He looked up to me, eyes seeming so sad. "I'm sorry… I never meant… _I'm so sorry_… I never meant to make you mad. I never meant to hurt you…" I just looked at him blankly as he continued. "I love you… please don't be mad at me anymore." Pleading… his voice carried a hint of desperation.

I froze up where I lay on his bed, next to him. Something was throbbing inside of me again. 

I knew I had to leave _now_, or they would come back… they couldn't come back… not yet… maybe not ever.

__

~I love you~

Duo had told me he loved me. Did he mean it? That was the answer all along?

The heart inside of me twisted painfully… 

__

No…

__

I couldn't let this happen again…

I ran.

I knew I would… I knew I would leave right when he fell asleep, sneaking out into the cold night. I knew I might never come back. I'd given Duo that last night, I'd given him what he wanted. But I _had _to leave, staying there would only cause me to lose it again. I couldn't do that. Maybe when the war was over… maybe when I could afford to go crazy… and lose this valuable control within me.

Maybe then would I return. But, not now, or possibly _never _if this war did not end soon. Yes, I might not make it out of this hell alive.

__

Selfish. I was so… cruel.

Right then… in my state of mind… I was too lost to realize I had just fallen off the second step.

__

TBC. 

_7_7_7_7_7_7_7_7

And so concludes the second part to the three part story! Yes, only one more part to go. Hope you enjoyed.


	3. Part Three

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters .

Warnings: Angst, Yaoi, twt… self hatred? But of course! 

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4

Notes: The last, last, LAST part! Enjoy! 

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**__**

So it Started

Part Three

A month went by. The days passed quickly. The main reason being the amount of fighting going on. And for good reason. Anyone could see the end coming, anyone could watch and tell the desperation each side showed. It got harder… got worse… people died, like always. But I felt no regret. I was doing what I was suppose to. I remember standing, looking out to space for what seemed like hours, mind not occupied with battle strategies for once. I just sat, staring… it felt like I was doing something normal, looking up at the sky. But I could not stop… I watched the stars for most of the night, seeing their dying forms. My mind was calm, there was no static inside driving me crazy, no more voices nagging at me for being weak, acting like I was. I was nothing… and I liked that.

The war ended.

The peace we fought for was trying to set itself in. 

People were off celebrating, parties being thrown, invitations handed. 

I hated it… I hated to watch… the people looking so happy. They should not be smiling… they should not be toasting to the future… what happened to all those that died? Were they already forgotten in this moment of cheer? What will they think when they wake up the next morning? Would they find themselves fortunate that they did not die? Would they see themselves as lucky for not being apart of the war? Maybe… maybe not… a lot of people were effected… I saw it… I heard it. The families of people we killed… the families we wiped out… 

__

I needed to get away. These thoughts were starting to pull at me, tug at my seal inside.

I almost accepted the invitation to stay with Relena… but I couldn't, I wanted nothing to do with politics, who go off, killing each other in that game they played. So I decided to leave… an unknown destination. 

__

I was lost again.

I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. No more fighting. I could not understand why I didn't just die, why I had to pull away, saving my own life at the last second. The last battle, I think I had gone into it thinking that this was it, this was where my grave would be. My soul forever trapped out here in space.

I was wrong.

__

Because I was strong… _because I survived_… and for what? I had not found my own peace. I had not come to terms with myself. That was not something I thought I could do.

Where could I run to now? Where was I suppose to fight, do the only thing I knew how? Pain was starting to come back, memories starting to surface from where I had hid them. 

I tried… to push them away. I forced them under once again. Lock and key… pain will never be freed. 

Christmas Eve. It had almost been a whole year since that day…

I sat in my dark cabin, secluded in the woods, thinking of what tomorrow would mean. Quatre had tried to contact me, I could tell he had been searching on his computer for one Heero Yuy non stop. Probably wanting to invite me to a Christmas party, so much like the one a year ago, tomorrow. So much like the one that had started my agony. 

Selfish… 

A package came in the mail yesterday. A package addressed to no one but me. I didn't want to open it. I was too afraid of what I would find. Maybe a sweater from Relena, a Christmas present from the other pilots. I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I did not want to take the chance that the cut would return. The bleeding would come back. But… it seems I could not stop my curiosity for very long, it seemed I had not been able to get rid of that part of myself, like all the other flawed traits. 

__

Foolish…

I ended up opening the small package, slowly lifting the lid to peer inside. I could not stop my hand from descending, running down to delicately touch the contents. The heart inside of me froze, stopped for what seemed like forever… my eyes took to widen, in shock.

__

Pain.

Fear.

I remember, watching as the small box fell from my limp hands, almost as if in slow motion, tumbling down to crash on the wooden floor. My eyes were not blinking, staring in horror at my… present? Was this my Christmas present?

__

~I love you~

Duo's words… the words I had purposely forgotten, rang through my head. 

__

~I never meant to hurt you… I love you… please don't be mad at me anymore~

Duo… was in this much… pain… I had hurt him? I did.

Selfish… cruel…

Why? 

Tell me what I should do! Someone needs to tell me!

The confused voices in my head had returned. I had never felt so dead… so lost… so confused… so miserable… and all because of one little package. 

The memories surfaced. 

The pain came back.

I remember screaming… screaming so loudly, out here, all alone. No one could have ever heard me. I remember clutching my hands to my head to stop the onslaught of horrible visions. Horrible… _so much pain_…

Laying collapsed on the floor, a long time after… I stared at the ceiling. My body was too exhausted to move, mind gone numb once again. I did not want to get up, did not want to even will my eyes to blink. I remember thinking these selfish thoughts… the ones running around in my head. _This was nice… if only I could stay like this forever… never having to move… to feel_. 

Yes, those were only selfish thoughts. Ones I needed to get rid of.

It took me an hour before I finally managed to stand, limbs protesting the whole way. My minds only concern now was getting to my computer… the few steps to my laptop, then I would be able to feel better. 

__

I didn't care anymore… I didn't care anymore… about the consequences. I wanted to see Duo. I wanted to be with him…

__

~I love you~

I think… I knew now what those horrible feelings, emotions inside of me were screaming, they were trying to get me to see… to admit that I longed for him. Needed him? I wanted to see him so bad… so much, it hurt. Was that what the… throbbing inside of me was telling? But I welcomed this pain now… for I was alive… living things felt the horrible sting. And it didn't feel so bad now. I had lasted to see another day… I would go to Duo whether he wanted me to or not. 

I would not hurt him again. 

Duo had… he had given me the one gift I could never ask for… he'd given me something that must have cost him dearly. _I had hurt him. _I had blamed him for all my suffering… but he… was he feeling just the same? But hiding it from me? All those times I could see his mask slipping, all those times he showed me his depressed… almost longing self. He was trying to tell me something, to reach me. 

I only pushed him away…

Had I lost him?

I typed quickly, searched quickly and prayed that I wasn't too late. I needed him, I needed to see him. He was worth more than I could give him now… being with him, being able to see the smile. But, I didn't think I would be able to take this… depression… overly depressed to the point of being suicidal… without Duo by my side, once more… I might just wither away…. like I had planned to. _I would kill if I hurt him again. _Never again, never again will I do that… he had cried. _I had made him cry._ The red eyed boy, begging me to listen to him… my lies… they were all told in selfishness. I had caused him to tear up inside like he had made me… 

__

How come I am so blind?

Cruel… that is what I was. I admitted that to myself that night, as I searched desperately for the one piece of myself that would pull me back together. Running was, in no way was the answer from suffering. All it did was make things worse. I saw that now… but was it too late?

His apartment was cold as I slipped in. I had stood outside, staring up at the run down place for what seemed like hours. In fear of entering, in fear of what I might find… or would not find. Christmas, I had made it for Christmas, but with the thoughts that he might not be home… he might welcome me… or send me away. The lights were off and it was only five. No one moved from inside… and I was starting to worry. Maybe I should have contacted Quatre instead. To get some reassurance that my choice was the right one, that I was not going into this only to come out as a failure.

I silently made my way through the opened door, a few steps into the small living room before I stopped. My eyes taking a couple seconds to adjust to the lighting, heart beating loudly from the thrill of sneaking in. No one… not a living thing in sight. Dead plants ornamented under the windows. Dirty coffee cups on the side table. But no Duo… no signs of his personality…

I remember his room, at one of the places we stayed during the war, covered in a collection of black. The bed, the weird teddy bear, a couple random accessories. I could clearly remember the thoughts that swirled in my head, calling him a fool for keeping such things, when things were not necessary at the time. But now… right now I was wishing for something like that, the dark colors, to reassure myself that he was still here.

My feet carried me, almost desperately towards the bedroom door down the hall. _I was scared_… I was frightened… _he had to be there_… I needed to find him.

The door opened without a sound, and I hesitantly stuck my head through.

Duo.

He was there, on the bed. 

Not moving? 

My breath quickened as the thought of him being dead broached through my thick skull. I stared, not blinking, waiting for any signs of life. Waiting for the slightest movement. I almost thanked god aloud when his chest rose slightly in breath. 

He was asleep… sleeping on Christmas… sleeping away his favorite day of the year. Had I done this to him? _Yes_… I would not deny it any longer. I would never lie to myself again, only for my selfishness.

I took a deep shaky breath, relief washing over me as I watched him. There had been the initial fear that he had done something stupid… done something… like suicide. Because that is what I might have done… as time went by. I was afraid. More so than I had ever been. I knew it now, if I would have found him hurt… I would have…

__

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I took a deep breath, calming myself from those horrible visions… of things that were not to come. I was worrying… it was such a strange thing for me to be doing. But I am not the same as I used to be… no… I am the new person whom likes to fret in my mind. Or maybe I had done so all along, just not recognized what it was. Would not tell myself what I was doing, so as not to find myself weak… another weakness inside of me. Back then… I would not have been able to take that… the knowledge that I am so emotionally unstable. But, right now, as I watched the sleeping form on the bed, I knew I was the weaker of us two. Physical strength is in no way a comparison to that of emotional. 

My eyes, slowly, almost as if frightened, went up to rest where his head was laying on the flat pillow. Where I could clearly see the short strands of chestnut, splayed out over the white pillow. 

His hair… 

Cut… short… maybe only about shoulders length now… he had really done it, hadn't he? _He… really did it._

The package, my mind ran over that day once again, when I had opened it… just yesterday, it was. All that was inside… a part of his chestnut colored hair, nicely braided like it had once been. A nice violet colored ribbon holding it together, the one that seemed to match his eyes, to remind me of those beautiful orbs. I had prayed that it was just a hallucination… it felt like his sacred alter had been torn apart and laid at my feet.

He was trying to desperately tell me something. 

His last hope… his last ditch effort. He cut his hair as a show of how sorry he was. Everyone knew how precious it was to him. _I knew _how much remembering his past meant to him. I had lost it, when seeing his crazy attempt to reach me, packed delicately into a small box. 

__

I've harmed him so much… 

My eyes stung, they became blurry as I stood there, watching the beautiful rise and fall of his chest. 

__

I had hurt him… those words that kept repeating inside my head. I'd hurt the person whom loved me… the only one who ever cared for me! 

I felt the wetness, trickling down my cheek… tears? Was I crying? My hand came up to touch them, fascinated for a second before I was overcome with such sadness, a feeling of… loss. I started to sob, uncontrollably. I knew he might wake up… I couldn't stop though, it felt nice… to finally release all that had been building up inside of me. To let it all go.

I finally broke… 

But not in the way I had first thought. 

My feelings were shattered, only to be put back together… glued in place by the warm arm that surrounded my body. 

I had collapsed to the floor. 

Someone was holding me… tightly as I cried… spilling all my pain out through tears. I fell asleep, embraced in that familiar scent… Duo. Hearing him calling my name, telling me it was alright… calming me… calming me just like he had always done.

When I finally awoke, it was completely dark outside. I was on a bed, head rested on someone's shoulder. Duo's shoulder. His fingers were currently tangled in my hair, rubbing my scalp softly, sending a shiver over my blanket covered body. I stirred, causing him to push me back slightly, forcing me to look into his eyes. Those violets I had missed so much… looking straight at me… but seemed to hold the sadness also, the feelings I had seen in him that night I left, those ones I had ignored altogether.

He must have been afraid I would leave him like before, because his hand came down to lace with my fingers, squeezing them tightly. I don't blame him, that was something I should have never done… I shouldn't have left him.

"Duo…" I whispered, moving in closer, I kissed him lightly on the cheek. Trying to give him some reassurance, some comfort. _A new beginning, _like before.

"I missed you… so much." He breathed in, eyes closing, a long exhale to calm himself down.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could manage to get out as I watched him, struggling with something inside of himself. And I was sorry… more than he would ever know. If only I could show him… if only I could make him see what was going on inside of me. Maybe then he could understand just why I had been so afraid… so confused. 

So foolish. 

Another kiss, on his other cheek. I wanted to take away the pain that had not yet spilled out.

"I'm sorry." I repeated again. Wanting him to believe me… praying that I wouldn't screw this chance up. I had never seen him cry, or break down before. He had always been so strong… always was the stronger of us. I knew he did cry though, but never in front of anyone, it was one of those things one did not show… did not share their weakness. And I watched, mesmerized, for the first time as the water poured down his beautiful face, silently falling to collect around his jaw.

"Heero…" My name was said as if out of breath, as if he had been running for so long, finally coming to a stop. As if seeing me for the first time, amazed, the breathless whisper had me shivering where I lay. 

"Why did you come back?" That question was bound to come. I thought he would have asked why I had left, though. Why I had gone without one word, without anything to tell him I was alright. That must have been on his mind… always wondering where the reasons for my disappearing lay. But he hadn't asked me that, instead he wanted to know why I had crawled into his home… begging him for forgiveness.

I felt… unworthy somehow… like I did not deserve this. And I probably didn't. 

I stared at him for a few minutes, urgently searching through my mind for the words to convey what I was feeling, so as not to screw this up. "I… shouldn't have left." I decided on the truth, the thing I should have used all along, with one last thought that Duo would understand… anything I managed to say. 

His eyes snapped shut, a long sigh escaping his slightly parted lips.

"Duo?" My voice sounded desperate, but I didn't care, because I was. 

__

Afraid.

His head lifted from where it was buried in my chest, eyes opening to look at me… so lost… such sadness. "You won't leave me?" He sounded like a child… scared… of being alone. I cherished that moment, finally being able to see the weaker side of him, the one so frightened like me. So afraid like I had been. He was me, he was how I was feeling… yet the things I couldn't show… he would. 

"Never." I whispered, the strange sound of my own voice frightened me. Maybe because I had never known myself to sound so gentle… soft. I took a deep breath to calm myself, hand coming out to rub gentle circles on his back. "Never… I won't leave you again… I will not make that mistake a second time." 

And to my surprise, he laughed. His laugh was filled with so much relief so much bliss that it had me smiling, _really_ smiling. 

"Good." He said softly. "I wont let you leave again either." 

My stomach fluttered as I leaned in to lightly kiss him on the lips, sealing our promises. My hand, unconsciously coming up to tangle in his hair… 

I froze. 

Pulling away, my eyes looking to him, confusion filled. "Duo… why?" I lifted the short pieces of chestnut between my fingers, feeling the softness I had never had time to enjoy.

Duo's only response was a soft smile and a simple statement. "You were worth it."

I didn't think crying could be so easy after the first time, after you learned how. I guess it was like riding a bike, once you start, it was difficult to learn how to… unlearn how? The tears stung at my eyes again and I fought desperately to keep them from falling. I didn't understand… why I wanted to cry when I shouldn't have been sad. But my mind… seemed to, at that moment, fill with thoughts about how much despair I must have caused Duo, for him to go to such extreme measures as cutting off his braid, one of the things I had loved most about his features. One of the things he used to brag about, and on some occasions I had even found him talking to it like a pet.

"Shh… Heero… it's alright." My eyes had clamped shut, body gone tense without realizing at first. "It's ok. Please, it wasn't your fault. It was my decision… not yours." His last words set me off, "Please don't cry." When he asked that of me, it's was like being reminded of what I was trying to hold in, trying to stop, and I found myself breaking down all over again. 

"I'm really screwed up, Duo." I admitted, head now pressed against his chest. Maybe it was my way of asking if he was really wanting this, if he wanted to turn back before he was stuck with me forever.

He just smiled, wiping the wet trails from my face before saying, "We're both really screwed up." He smirked after a second more, as if thinking up something funny. "But, if it's alright with you, we can be screwed up together."

I chuckled, it felt good. I wonder if he knew the other meaning to that statement of his. That thought only made me laugh harder. Laughing, truly, not the maniac cackle I shot out during battle, but the light, warm filled one. The one directed only towards him.

Slowly… my pain was starting to disappear. I know it would not be gone for good… nor be healed for a long time. But time, was one thing I had.

We sat in bed, awake for most of that night… not wanting to get up out of each other's warm embrace. As I stared at him, watched the smile spread on his lips… I knew I was trapped. And I gladly fell in. I fell through my barrier… my barricade holding in those feelings… the ones I could now recognize, could now finally understand. Because I had lived through them, I had gone through the pain, the happiness… maybe I was finally… more human.

"Duo…" I whispered, sleepily. My eyes were drooping slightly, just as his were across from me. Sleep wanting to claim us both.

"Hmmm." His eyes finally fluttered closed, in exhaustion, but his arms tightened there hold around my waist, telling me he wasn't completely gone yet.

"You'll kiss me goodnight?"

He chuckled. The warm sound causing me to smile in return. 

"Of course. Anything for you." He said softly, leaning in. I knew he meant what he said, I knew he would do anything for me. He already had, and I could finally admit that I would do the same. It was a scary thought, knowing that I would lose so much control if something were to happen to him. 

His lips pressed against mine, once, then twice, before he came down to nuzzle my neck tiredly. 

"Anything for you." He repeated in a whisper, right before his breath evened out, body relaxing against mine.

I was probably glowing right then, sighing happily against him. "Merry Christmas Duo." I whispered into the darkness of his cold apartment. 

I knew that this day had been wasted for the both of us. But I promised myself, right before dozing off, that I would make it up to him next year. I would buy him a big tree, like he had wanted last year, so badly. I would not refuse him again, since it obviously meant so much to him. And it did to me now, also. I think I finally figured out why I disliked the smell of a Christmas tree, finally figured out why it almost frightened me. It stood for something special, like they said, Christmas was a time for family. It was, to some people, an important event and was hard for me to come to like it, when I had not known these things. Since I had never known family… before Duo. Before, Quatre, Trowa, Wufei… those people whom I once only saw as comrades. But I could see now, the things Trowa tried to show me, that night when confessing his feelings, emotions. I knew now why Quatre was always there to lend a hand, or an ear. I understood why Wufei always went off on his speeches, trying to make us understand, to teach us his beliefs.

I slept, peacefully, with no horrible dreams, no memories filled with pain. With Duo in my arms, I finally felt content… the pain would always be there… but this kind I could live with… I would treasure this, my time with Duo. 

He had taught me something so priceless that day, on that Christmas. Sometimes, the best present of all, is just to be forgiven. And although I still had many more steps to take, to understanding life… many more things for Duo to show me, teach me… I would no longer be afraid. I would no longer lie to myself. 

I would not fall off the steps once more, because I trusted Duo… and more importantly _myself._

~Owari~

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Hmm … kind of sappy … at least I thought so. ^.^ Hope you enjoyed my short holiday fic! Well … semi holiday fic . !! 

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